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Thank goodness tomorrow is a day in which I can start fresh. I feel so alone, and down lately. I'm not happy with how I look...again. Every month it seems up I'm either up or down 10 pounds. My body is clearly still out of whack from my eating disorder and is very sensitive to anything I feed myself. I feel as if my metabolism is dead. I've become an emotional eater and feel so sinful for it. Food has been an idol in my life and it really frustrates me how I can seem to let go of this love-hate relationship with it. I pray that God will give me strength and I continue to seek Him and His will for me, but I feel low on patience. I just want to wake up tomorrow completely healed of all this, and I know God can do that...haven't I learned my lesson? It's been 3 1/2 years of struggle. I feel like I know what I'm doing wrong and don't even want this baggage, so why is God still putting me through this?

I know that He is doing it for the good in my life as it is all apart of his good and complete plan for me, but I can't seem to find any good in it right now. Perhaps God wants me to conquer this a different way than how I'm used to trying to battle this. I tend to WANT to binge, then find myself on my knees asking for forgiveness after the chaotic eating episodes. I need to keep trying to put God in front of this; put Him first instead of last. I fail at that 99.9% of the time. So maybe I haven't learned yet...it's just, God is capable of taking this from me, and I just wish He would remove this idol from my life now. But I will continue to rejoice in the Lord. Always. He has made me stronger than ever this past year, and nothing, nothing at all will discourage me from walking with Him. He is my savior. My best friend. My strength. My redeemer. He is love. And His grace is sufficient enough for me. "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." Now I just need to live on that during these trying moments in the kitchen.

Tomorrow I am going to start to just jot down what I eat, when, and how it makes me feel, just to keep myself aware of what I'm consuming and to set some control with food. I don't plan on doing this forever, just enough to where I start to feel better and get a good sense of what foods make me feel good and which ones trigger binges. Not sure if I'm going to keep it on my blog or in a separate journal, but we'll see. Maybe I'll just write about it on here at the end of the day. I'm so done with this idol!

Prayer: Lord, I thank you for giving me each and every day on this earth to live, and to live for you. Each day is so precious, and I fall so short of living it to get to know you more and to share your love and mercy with others.

Thank you me. For living in my heart and holding my hand even when I didn't want you to. You are solely the reason why I am still alive. You were there at my most weakest moments, walking on the tight-rope of death when I thought I was all alone and getting what I deserved. Thank you for taking control of my life and in working in my heart and molding me to be who you want me to be. I pray, Lord that I will not stand in your way of continuing to do so.

Thank you Father for putting me through those dark years so that you could raise me up to be closer to you. I called for you, and you were there, even though I didn't think you were or acknowledge that you were helping me. I love you so much and I didn't deserve that. I still don't. You grace should be sufficient enough for me, and yet I keep expecting you to do things for me. Please transform my heart so that I only want what you want for me in my life, because I know that that's what will make me content with myself, and love myself for real. In YOUR name, and only in Your name forever and always, amen.