I haven't blogged for a year. And I wasn't ever really great at it either. I guess I'm old fashioned in the sense that I prefer to write by hand in my journals. I like to hold the book in my hand and be able to carry it around with me or tuck it away someplace secret. But I'm also open to trying new things. I'm not sure how long this whole blogging thing will last, but Heather, one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world, has been pushing me to create one, so as of now I am doing this for Heather. And who knows, I just may end up enjoying this whole process. I just hope it doesn't pull me away from writing in my journal often. I can easily become addicted to new things, hence the reason why I still have yet to try DDR, Guiter Hero, or any thing else. In my mind I was even against texting when it first became the "in" thing to do because I knew I would get sucked into it and would be texting night and day and sending my cell phone bill up the whaz. But now, I get unlimited texting, and yes, I am addicted to it. But I can't help. I like small talk and checking in with ppl just to say hello and make them smile by letting them know I'm thinking of them.
So Heather, as of now I'm doing this whole blogging thing for you and for our friendship. I'm so curious to how you are doing and what's going on in your life, and I'm sure you are wondering the same with me. Hopefully this blogging stuff will bring us closer since we live so far apart these days! I miss you. And love you. Terribly.
Right now I'm at work. Ugh. I'm not enjoying this job. I feel like I'm not doing anything that makes me happy. I feel stuck and almost secluded here. I am not able to aspire my dreams and goals when I'm up here. I need to be in LA. I felt like I was just starting to adapt the the culture and environment when I had to leave due to my disease. I feel trapped up here and I cannot staaaand being monitored by the doctors and thereapists twice a week. I just want to be able to do what I want, when I want, and I can't with the doctors all up in my business like crazy. They FLIP. OUT. when I lose just a teeny bit of weight. They think I'm relapsing, when I'm not at all. I'm just trying to get back in shape. I look and feel so incredibly different now. Being in the hospital for 3 weeks and then being bed ridden for 10 weeks changed my body dramatically, and I'm just trying to get it back to normal. I'm trying to get back in shape, and they won't let me do that. It's soooo agrivating and frusterating. Some days I am sooo close to just quiting treatment, packing my stuff up, and moving back down to LA where I can just LIVE my life again. I have 4 1/2 months left. That feels like forever. I don't konw how I'm going to do it when I am already insanely low on patience.
I just need to work on being content whatever the cirsumstance, you know? That's my problem. I am unable to be content. I need to live by the scripture in Phillipians 6: 8-11: "For I have learned to be conent whatever the circumstance. Whether living in plenty or in want. I have learned the secret of contentment in any and every situation; whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Yup. That's a toughy.
Writing helps me though. I need to get my thoughts off my chest. It helps me grow as a person, teaches me a little more about myself, and sometimes even helps me solve the problem or dilema I am dealing with. Hopefully, this blog will be able to do the same for me. By writing down my thoughts and goals, venting, etc., I can strive for contentment.
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Cole,
ReplyDeleteI already love it. It's good. I hope that you learn to love it too. I also know that therapy can make someone want to go crazy and pop the heads off all of those who are so so very involved in their life...just do it. In the end, it's for the best.
Think about it like child labor. When I'm in labor, I'm going to be pissed at the doctors touching me and the nurses probing me and my husband for doing this to me. I'm going to want them to leave me alone and get away and I want this little twit in my belly to stop doing whatever it is. But several hours (I imagine it will feel like days) later, I have a beautiful little twit. And all the pain and the annoying people telling me to breathe and that I'm not pushing hard enough...it will be worth it.
I don't know if that makes sense and I sure have never been in labor before, but I felt like it was a good analogy. In the end, pull through, dear friend.