Day 3

3 Things I am Grateful For

1. I feel well rested this morning

2. I feel inspired by God's word

3. I can go running

3 Aspiring Affirmations

1. My family is always there for me

2. God wants u to be dependent on Him

3. We have the privilege to glorify Him in all that we do!

Breakfast @ 11am

One handful of marshmallows, 1/2 maple granola, 1/2 c almond milk, 1/2 dried blueberries, 2 tbs. Parmesan cheese, 1/2 c rice and black beans

(2 fats, 4 carbs, 2 proteins) - immediately feel very satisfied, like I'm not going to be hungry again for 4 more hours!

Day 2

3 Things I am Grateful For

1. I was able to see some family today

2. Sunshine!

3. Prayer

3 Positive Affirmations

1. It's not my fault I have this illness

2. Everyone has struggles

3. I will always have people in my life that love me

Breakfast @ 7am

Chewy bar, 1/4 c choc. chip chewy bar, bowl of raisins and oatmeal

(1 fat, 3 carbs) Felt satisfied and awake, but could have eaten more

Snack at 10:30am

Raw, Organic Energy Bar

(2 fats, 2 carbs, 2 proteins) immediately gave me more fuel

Lunch @ 12:30pm

2 slices wholegrain bread, 3 tbs peanut butter, 3 tbs homemade jam, banana, chocolate chip cookie

(4 fats, 4 carbs, 3 proteins) -Immediately could have eaten more, and 2 hours later I binged as you will see below.

Snack @ 3:00pm

1 chick-o-stick, 2 chocolates, 1/2 c black beans, 2 lady fingers, 2 strawberry wafers, 1 tsp. nutella, 1 tablespoon chocolate syrup, 3 prunes, handful of granola, 2 cookies

(5 fats, 6 carbs, 1 protein) Binged!! Feel sick to stomach but also am wanting more. Also want to sleep now. Why did I let myself do this????

Water: 5 water bottles full Daily Totals:

(F=12, C=15, P=6)

Exercise: 50 mile Bike ride with 6,ooo ft. of climbing

=4.5 hours

Notes for Today:

I am noticing that I am eating WAY too many fats in a day and not nearly enough protein, especially for the amount of exercise I did today. I feel disgusting. I had a lot of energy on my ride today and I felt great, but my body looks gross and I'm not happy with how I look. Now I know why: I eat too much sugary fats! I also didn't eat enough good food yesterday, which is probably an additional reason why I just binged. That, and I rode for a long time today. But still, that isn't normal and I don't see people doing that.

My Biggest Accomplishment Today:

I did my first 50 mile bike ride of the year! and I felt great!

Lessons I learned Today:

Eat small steady meals so I don't starve myself into the next day, which leads me into a binge. Drink more water too. Also back off on the fat intake.

Day 1

3 Things I am grateful for

1. I can ride my bike

2. I have a pretty face

3. Jesus is in my heart

3 Positive Affirmations:

1. God is in control

2. I don't have to worry about tomorrow, God has already taken care of it.

3. Jesus forgives and forgets

Breakfast

9am: Coffee

10am: 4 animal crackers, 3 yogurt covered raisins

(0 proteins, 1 carb, 0 fats)

Lunch

2:30pm: 3 tortilla chips, 1 apple, 5 almonds

(1 fat, 1 protein, 1 carb)

Snack

4:00pm: Hot Spice Tea Punch, 1 orange

(1 carb)

Dinner

5:30pm: 2 big slices cheese pizza, 2 cookies, 1 slice banana pecan bread, Hot Spice Tea Punch

(4 fats, 4 carbs, 2 protein)-Didn't feel like I overly full, but I wanted to go to town on eating more sugar. Two hours later I wanted to eat more.

Total Water: 3 large glasses Daily Totals:

F=5, P=3, C=7

Exercise:

None

...

Thank goodness tomorrow is a day in which I can start fresh. I feel so alone, and down lately. I'm not happy with how I look...again. Every month it seems up I'm either up or down 10 pounds. My body is clearly still out of whack from my eating disorder and is very sensitive to anything I feed myself. I feel as if my metabolism is dead. I've become an emotional eater and feel so sinful for it. Food has been an idol in my life and it really frustrates me how I can seem to let go of this love-hate relationship with it. I pray that God will give me strength and I continue to seek Him and His will for me, but I feel low on patience. I just want to wake up tomorrow completely healed of all this, and I know God can do that...haven't I learned my lesson? It's been 3 1/2 years of struggle. I feel like I know what I'm doing wrong and don't even want this baggage, so why is God still putting me through this?

I know that He is doing it for the good in my life as it is all apart of his good and complete plan for me, but I can't seem to find any good in it right now. Perhaps God wants me to conquer this a different way than how I'm used to trying to battle this. I tend to WANT to binge, then find myself on my knees asking for forgiveness after the chaotic eating episodes. I need to keep trying to put God in front of this; put Him first instead of last. I fail at that 99.9% of the time. So maybe I haven't learned yet...it's just, God is capable of taking this from me, and I just wish He would remove this idol from my life now. But I will continue to rejoice in the Lord. Always. He has made me stronger than ever this past year, and nothing, nothing at all will discourage me from walking with Him. He is my savior. My best friend. My strength. My redeemer. He is love. And His grace is sufficient enough for me. "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." Now I just need to live on that during these trying moments in the kitchen.

Tomorrow I am going to start to just jot down what I eat, when, and how it makes me feel, just to keep myself aware of what I'm consuming and to set some control with food. I don't plan on doing this forever, just enough to where I start to feel better and get a good sense of what foods make me feel good and which ones trigger binges. Not sure if I'm going to keep it on my blog or in a separate journal, but we'll see. Maybe I'll just write about it on here at the end of the day. I'm so done with this idol!

Prayer: Lord, I thank you for giving me each and every day on this earth to live, and to live for you. Each day is so precious, and I fall so short of living it to get to know you more and to share your love and mercy with others.

Thank you me. For living in my heart and holding my hand even when I didn't want you to. You are solely the reason why I am still alive. You were there at my most weakest moments, walking on the tight-rope of death when I thought I was all alone and getting what I deserved. Thank you for taking control of my life and in working in my heart and molding me to be who you want me to be. I pray, Lord that I will not stand in your way of continuing to do so.

Thank you Father for putting me through those dark years so that you could raise me up to be closer to you. I called for you, and you were there, even though I didn't think you were or acknowledge that you were helping me. I love you so much and I didn't deserve that. I still don't. You grace should be sufficient enough for me, and yet I keep expecting you to do things for me. Please transform my heart so that I only want what you want for me in my life, because I know that that's what will make me content with myself, and love myself for real. In YOUR name, and only in Your name forever and always, amen.

Because of Heather

I haven't blogged for a year. And I wasn't ever really great at it either. I guess I'm old fashioned in the sense that I prefer to write by hand in my journals. I like to hold the book in my hand and be able to carry it around with me or tuck it away someplace secret. But I'm also open to trying new things. I'm not sure how long this whole blogging thing will last, but Heather, one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world, has been pushing me to create one, so as of now I am doing this for Heather. And who knows, I just may end up enjoying this whole process. I just hope it doesn't pull me away from writing in my journal often. I can easily become addicted to new things, hence the reason why I still have yet to try DDR, Guiter Hero, or any thing else. In my mind I was even against texting when it first became the "in" thing to do because I knew I would get sucked into it and would be texting night and day and sending my cell phone bill up the whaz. But now, I get unlimited texting, and yes, I am addicted to it. But I can't help. I like small talk and checking in with ppl just to say hello and make them smile by letting them know I'm thinking of them.

So Heather, as of now I'm doing this whole blogging thing for you and for our friendship. I'm so curious to how you are doing and what's going on in your life, and I'm sure you are wondering the same with me. Hopefully this blogging stuff will bring us closer since we live so far apart these days! I miss you. And love you. Terribly.

Right now I'm at work. Ugh. I'm not enjoying this job. I feel like I'm not doing anything that makes me happy. I feel stuck and almost secluded here. I am not able to aspire my dreams and goals when I'm up here. I need to be in LA. I felt like I was just starting to adapt the the culture and environment when I had to leave due to my disease. I feel trapped up here and I cannot staaaand being monitored by the doctors and thereapists twice a week. I just want to be able to do what I want, when I want, and I can't with the doctors all up in my business like crazy. They FLIP. OUT. when I lose just a teeny bit of weight. They think I'm relapsing, when I'm not at all. I'm just trying to get back in shape. I look and feel so incredibly different now. Being in the hospital for 3 weeks and then being bed ridden for 10 weeks changed my body dramatically, and I'm just trying to get it back to normal. I'm trying to get back in shape, and they won't let me do that. It's soooo agrivating and frusterating. Some days I am sooo close to just quiting treatment, packing my stuff up, and moving back down to LA where I can just LIVE my life again. I have 4 1/2 months left. That feels like forever. I don't konw how I'm going to do it when I am already insanely low on patience.

I just need to work on being content whatever the cirsumstance, you know? That's my problem. I am unable to be content. I need to live by the scripture in Phillipians 6: 8-11: "For I have learned to be conent whatever the circumstance. Whether living in plenty or in want. I have learned the secret of contentment in any and every situation; whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength." Yup. That's a toughy.

Writing helps me though. I need to get my thoughts off my chest. It helps me grow as a person, teaches me a little more about myself, and sometimes even helps me solve the problem or dilema I am dealing with. Hopefully, this blog will be able to do the same for me. By writing down my thoughts and goals, venting, etc., I can strive for contentment.